I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
