Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
