My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So many bounce houses so little time
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sorry about my life...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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