The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Boobs speak an international language.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
