He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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