I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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