So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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