There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
