Fine. I'll sleep in my office
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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