i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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