All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
