Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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