oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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