you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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