Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize