I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
