no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize