I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
How does one acquire holy water?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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