i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
