the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
