I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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