I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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