Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
