just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
