You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
