another moral hangover. fuck.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
