The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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