well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
