I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
