her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
