when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So many bounce houses so little time
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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