I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We left the knife in your bed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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