I feel like abortions should bother me more
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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