I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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