I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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