I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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