He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
