There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize