mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
