Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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