He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
