I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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