she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
