took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
