wrigley field is MILF paradise
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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