yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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