I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
