Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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