Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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