So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
