i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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