my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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