My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
