Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
