Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
did i walk over a car last night?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
