I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
