Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's shark week go big or go home
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize