I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
