Your face is a jimmy john
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
