Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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